After a long thought, I decided to write about my life with cancer.
This is a very sensitive subject for me therefore I hesitated a lot about writing this.
It has been almost a year and a half since my diagnosis and still there are only handful of close families and friends that know of my diagnose.
At first when we found out. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I was in shock. These things were only in movies or in those dramatic Korean dramas. Not me! It took me a while for my self to accecpt and realize this big huge change in my life. Back then, the word cancer was a automatic switch that when pressed, made my tears flow automatically. I feel like I had no control of my emotions. The word Cancer was like a taboo that I could not bare to bring up. When ever that word escaped my lips I burst in tears. Back then talking about it made it that much more real and painful.
At that point I started to get worried what all this stress and crying will do to my baby's wellbeing. Only thing I could do for my self and the baby at that time was to try to keep my mind off of it and try to be optimistic. This helped me cut down on number of times I would cry in a day and all my energy went towards an effort to focus on things that I was greatful for. Last thing on my mind was worring about having to tell others about it . I decided to just take things one day by day and try to keep my focus away from cancer.
After some point in time, when I was some what prepared to talk about this with some what of an composure, I would get all sorts of unexpected reactions... Some would cry, some just feel really really bad for you, and some will start treating you like sick person. Hey I'm still that same girl you knew before I had cancer? There are so many unexpected reactions I don't think I was able to deal with it at the time. I was too fragile. Come on I was pregnant, emotional hormonal mess plus cancer...
But one thing for sure was that I wanted to be the one who told my friends in person. I wanted them to hear it from me...
I think there are many different steps and ways people deal with tragity or trials. For some, talking about it helps them for others like in my case keeping it low key worked. I think now I am finally ready to share my life journey with cancer.
Do any of you ever feel obligated to tell things when your not prepared?